IDIOTS WITH CHILDREN

Well, the boys are gone. Their dad came to get them late Sunday night. He had called and said he would come on Sunday and I had them ready all day, just before bedtime he arrived.

The mom, anxious to keep up with a man who wants nothing to do with her had spent the entire Sunday afternoon instant messaging a grammatically murdered rant about the man. For over two months we'd had limited conversation with her and when it looked like the dad would be coming she couldn't stop sending messages. No, she wasn't worried about the children this was just a way to talk about the dad. I was so glad to see him at the door.

Yesterday, the dad called me four times within two hours. Another shock, this was as many times as he had called the entire time the children were living here. Apparently, instead of going to Beaumont with the little guys (a two hour trip) he decided to go to Woodville (even further)and the alternator on the car broke. This thirty year old man has a souped-up Impala with a stereo system that takes up the entire trunk space, gorgeous rims (she paid for), video screens throughout, a navigational system and nothing else to his name. No job, no food, no money. He's stuck in a town bumming money from an elderly dad living in a nursing home. Idiot.

I couldn't figure out why he was calling me and then it dawned. Each time he called he asked whether I had heard from the mother. When I did hear from the mom and told her how the children had been stranded with their dad in the cold, she spouted no regret for the children. She just killed the English language with further insults about the man. From what I could gather these idiots are using the children as a tool to fuel an argument. Whoever has them is the 'better' parent. In the end the silly mom boiled it all down to, she cares nothing about the dad and she has been talking to someone else for the past three months. The exact amount of time the boys have been gone . Neither worry about the children. Idiot too.

I asked the dad how the potty training was going and he said he had them in diapers. That idiot had the nerves to say he told the boys to just use it in their diapers. Well, there goes my work and their progress. One night and they are back in diapers.
I feel so sorry for all of those children. I wish they could pack their bags and runaway from home.

And Santa Cried

The boys were supposed to go to their dad for the weekend and then to Arkansas to spend Christmas with their mom, brother and sister. The mother instant messaged to say the grandmother doesn't want them to come because she doesn't want her water bill to go up. Seems the older brother is finally going to have cornea surgery after two years of blindness in his right eye from neglect of pink-eye.

I'm miserable for them. I'm sitting here listening to Third Day's  song Revelation. The course begs for a revelation on what to do in life. It's a good thing the boys are so young and know nothing about Christmas. We hadn't even put up a tree or the decorations. everything sits boxed in the garage and worse I wasn't buying presents because it is just 'tight' this year. I'm really mad at their family.

A Crutch or a Wall?

How can you decide whether or not you are a crutch (someone who is an aid) or a wall (someone who lets a person lean on them as they are being lazy and irresponsible) to a person?

Last night I had decided I was going to call the twins father and tell him he had to come and get his boys. My keeping them has turned into an act of super convenience for him because he is not working or going to school.

This morning I talked to the father and found out he is about to have his lights turned off, phone turned off  and since he has no job he may end up homeless. What does that mean about the boys?

A CRUTCH:  Begins the care of the twins because both of their parents are unemployed, the father was in college and the mother was on medication for depression. The mother (living in another state) also has custody of two other little children. The hope is to give the mom a break and the father a hand.

A WALL: The parents have to be called and reminded to keep in contact with their children. Neither parent supplies needed items for the children and this includes food. Father quits school, still not working and doesn't take back children. The parent intends to sell the food stamps supplied to feed the children.
Am I a crutch or a wall?

I Can't Even Think of a Title

In the last few years December has grown to be my unfavorite time of the year. Four years ago I bought a huge 10 feet artificial Christmas tree to celebrate surviving Hurricane Rita and the possible adoption of a little boy we had reared from infancy well he was taken back and given to someone who gave him to someone else (I learned life goes on) , last year I lost my home and home-based business and moved to a new and bigger city with much promise( I learned I need to learn more)  and in two weeks we have to be out of the place we are in now. Can I just write a book?

I learned my daughters are resilient and intelligent. Gillean has bought a house. At twenty-three she is the proud owner of a three bedroom home with an in ground pool. I am learning a lot from her.

You Can't Just Pack Them Up

So, yesterday we drove down to have dinner with the family at my mom's house. Actually my mom and cousin. The cousin lives a house down so we were like running back and forward. This cousin is also one of the great-aunts to the twins. The other great-aunt, the grandmother and the great-grandmother were stationed in that house. I should have just said all of their father's people were over there.

The two great-aunts kept making comments about each taking custody of the boys and adopting them. What??? I mean, how when you don't have them now? How when you never stepped in during the times they (and mom) lived in my house? How? When you don't say, okay they can stay here the weekend? You don't even know the little guys and you want to claim them like little puppies behind a fence in a pound. What's going to happen when the novelty wears off?  You can't just pack up a child and ship them here and there like they don't matter. At least they wanted to be bothered with them, their own grandmother didn't.

Poor little guys. Way to feel wanted. Their father came and spent three hours (maybe) with them. I had packed their bag because I thought he would at least want them for the rest of the weekend he didn't and it broke my heart how one of them cried when we were leaving. It was this sad pitiful little cry like without a lot of noise and a lot of tears and then he went to sleep. He slept all the way back to Houston and as soon as he woke up he was crying again, which made his brother cry. It took us a while to get them over the little funk.

I still say people shouldn't have children if they don't want them. Once we were home and I really thought about it, this guy is not working and at the dinner he let it slip he is not going to college anymore. Why didn't he keep the boys? He has nothing of value to do all day long. He says "I gotta get myself together". I certainly hope he uses this time to find himself a job and is not just hanging around with the new girl who may be pregnant for him. What??? That will make five children and as he says-"I'm not with her (both girls) like that."
This guy is 30 YEARS OLD. Did I light into him? Hell yeah.

I think its pitiful how their mom is always on Facebook complaining about how tired she is or what relaxing thing she is doing when half her family are States away. She spoke to the boys on the phone the other night and they had nightmares all night long. They woke up screaming and one ran to the door pointing back towards the bed. The first couple of nights here they did that. They would grit their teeth in their sleep and cry. It was most disturbing, but they stopped. Until they talked to her. She hadn't spoken to them but twice in six weeks and I kinda believe the nightmares comes when dealing with her. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

If I Could Turn Back Time

As I was writing the post for my business site Cher's song  If I Could Turn Back Time kept going through my head. Though their are a lot of things I wish i could change I wonder if turning back the clock (if I had the ability) wouldn't ruin some one's life. What if in the time I was going through problems someone was getting saved from near death or any other catastrophic catastrophe in life? Oh, my God and to one day have to find out....I don't even want to think about it. I have promised myself I am getting over the past and looking solely to the future. At least for this week.

The boys father called last night. I guess my talk did him some good. He is trying to make amends with everyone in the family. Trying to set up a family reunion for Easter time, promising to take better care of his boys and even called their mom saying he would take all of the children so she can get a job and control of herself. I really think she needs a major break. Four children before twenty-five is nerve wrecking. Especially when you didn't want to be a parent in the first place. Anyway, my time is up I hear the boys upstairs.

Still Ranting

I am tired this morning. I got up very early to work on a novel and had to stop to take care of the boys. I had forgotten I no longer have a day off. Don't get me wrong I don't mind keeping the boys for their benefit, but it irritates me to know how free their parents are. The mom is always updating her site on the peace she is having. Every time I struggle to understand what the boys are trying to tell me I want to beat the life out of their parents.  I'm aggravated as hell when I know how fast they learn and yet the main thing they can say is mama and garbledy goop.
Its beautiful how they are always seeking an empty lap to climb into and heartbreaking the way they will squat and potty on themselves like Mowgli.

Oh, my God give my mind peace in this matter.

How Do You Find Your Plan in Life

Okay, we have had the boys living with us for about a month now. There has been a catch thrown into the plans. Originally I wasn't even supposed to have the boys, but once their dad went to Arkansas and got them he had already enrolled into the local college and he isn't able to pay for child care and so they are here.

Their dad was supposed to come and get them on the weekends,but whined about not having the money for gas and so we agreed to every other weekend. What gets me is how these cute little guys are not even part of the plans of their parents. The dad lives in Beaumont and the mom in Arkansas. They don't even call to check on them and now the father has lost his unemployment and the mother doesn't work. What does that mean?  What am I supposed to do when I bring in such a small amount of money? Am I to stay involved in these children's lives?  How do you know what you are supposed to do?

I AM SO DAMNED FRUSTRATED

If it weren't for the fact I would probably drown, I would cry. Every day I feel the tears behind my eyes. I just can't figure out what to do to make life better. I can't seem to make the choices that will make 'good' things happen. I guess it could be because of the rejection letters from potential agents and the stupid premise they have to not take the rejections as a rejection of yourself???? How can you not?

I am really angry with myself for not having done my studying and knowing who Ballantine books were nine years ago. I'm having a hard time just getting over. All I can thing about it 'what would life be now?' I know I wouldn't be on the verge of wondering where we will be living in the next few months or how will we pay to live wherever we will be living. I would probably have a car and dentures so I would be able to get a lucrative paying job and not sitting at home caring and teaching children whose parents don't care about their mental growth. I'm just tired and a cry baby and need a little cheese with the whine (wine).

Maybe I'll go to bed while the kids are asleep and wake with a better frame of mind. I doubt it.

Teaching the Young-I'm Not the Stupid One Here

Okay, can I just say Lord Help Me? I have spent the most frustrating week working with a four year old who refuses to learn anything different than what her mom has not taught her. The child knows nothing and doesn't want to do anything, but watch tv. She doesn't like to color or hold a pencil. No, she is not slow witted because once her mom comes to pick her up she is rude, and smart mouthed. This child's mom is a teacher in the public school system who just says she can not deal with a child until it is ten years old. By then it should know everything because someone else should have taught it. The child and the mom drive me on a fast train down the road of insanity.

The child can not say her alphabets in a clear way when her mom is around. When it is just us I have been able to get her to unjumble the letters. That is after we pass the the temper tantrum and the "Momma says I say them good. Momma smiles when I say them"  I say, (in my head--your mom is wrong)  "That's nice, but no one can understand you and you have the letters mixed up. Say it like this...." She pouts and cries????

The mom says how they make her say the alphabets in the place of her grace and how she is saying them better. They see the difference, but they don't correct her. What happens when she enters public school? The child has been let to run her own world to such an extent her favorite line is "I have it or do it at home." She does nothing at home. This woman would never be allowed to teach any child of mine. For the first four years of her life she spent with a babysitter where her mom says she didn't expect her to be taught anything she just wanted her somewhere while she was at work. Makes me wonder what a 'teacher' is.  I'm lost. I'm not the stupid one here, I am trying so hard not to jump off the train and let the child enjoy her train wreck with the pacifier in her 4 yr old  mouth.

After I had my first daughter and she was a 2lb preemie and I was informed she would be way behind the other children and always slower, I thought 'hell no'. She was such a tiny thing and I believed them. That is until they did a test on her (don't ask me the name) and she did something that amazed the observer/technician. She clasped her hands in front of her. No big deal to me, but I was informed babies didn't do that until they were three or four months old. I took this and ran with it. Everything I could think of to teach this child I did. She started talking at six months (Mhia came home from birth saying "I'm hungry". At first no one believed me, but when she cried you could clearly hear her) with short little words. She had a full clear grammatically correct full sentence vocabulary of over 200 words by the time she was eighteen months old, knew every color and shape and could tell you the difference between a circle, a zero, and the letter o and could read before she started school.  Karra has never stopped talking. Her sisters who were also preemies have turned out to be no different. Except they don't talk as much as she does.

I truly believe education begins at home and am frustrated with those who are falling apart and blaming the pubic school system because their child is not learning. GET BACK TO YOUR JOB!

I tried the public school thing, but had always wanted to keep the girls home. I thought home-schooling was only for rich White people (forgive my ignorant mind), but when I found out different, whoo hoo! The adventure began. I know this isn't for everyone and to each his own. I did it on my own with the Abe Lincoln format. Library and pay no one.We have never had a lot of money and our little home school never had a lot of supplies, but they have learned way beyond my imagination because they took their education in their own hands and branched into things I have no interest in and my family members tend to call them 'geniuses' and call on us when they need to know something.  I'm going to accept this about them because I believe what I 'speak' over them. Intelligence, beauty, morals,self-dependence and tolerance (still working on this with the eldest daughter).

Child Safety

Okay, another stupid person left a child in the car and the infant died.  I am so sick of careless people. There are so many products out now that can keep this from happening. The Child Minder is one of the greatest things I can recommend. I had even designed one myself, but once I started looking at the patents I found this. The greatest gift for showers, christening or birthdays.

FIGHTIN' TEMPTATION

Just how hard is it in life to be honest? What is honesty, Really? We as humans are consistently bombarded with the concept of being honest.  The other day I was in this office building and when I sat on the sofa in the waiting room I saw an Iphone stuck between the armrest and the seat cushion. My mind said wow look what I found, while my hand automatically went up to get the attention of the two men in the room. the honest person in me immediately wanted to find the owner while this tiny greedy creature wished to keep it. Honestly quickly over ruled and later irritation set in when (after giving to receptionist) it turned out it wasn't theirs and belonged to no one in the building. Dang I kinda wished I could have kept it. At least to go through it and make sure it was returned to the rightful owner. I now wonder about the other people's honesty.

On this same day I had to go with my sister to handle a legal matter. The problem with this is that the wrong doing person sitting on the other side of the table was our brother. This brother has written off the family because of the many greedy things he has done in the family. He is a liar and a thief who will (and did) steal from his mother. To make a long story short he stole my youngest sister's car. She (beyond my advice not to) let him use one of her cars (Sidney) and he put a mechanics lien,changed title and stole the car. Before you ask, no he is not a mechanic, no he did not do the work he stated,sneaky, and just a guy who faked receipts and pulled forms from the internet. Conniver, but not as smart as the Lord has made me. I thank God for His gift of doing research that He has given me. Other than that, my sister more than likely would have lost her case.

All of our lives this particular brother has had an issue with being honest and working through temptation. He has a charismatic personality. You want to believe what he says because he just doesn't seem like a liar and a thief, but he is. He is supposed to be a pastor. If I didn't know the Lord, this man would turn me away from the belief of Christianity. In his mind he is never wrong. He has this propensity to 'get' things in such a way that it is just about legal, but you have to be a step before him or you will lose your prized possessions. I strive to stay far ahead of him and to keep my other siblings and children in front of him, also.  In honest fact, he frightens me a little because he is so good at lying that I often wonder if he is psychopathic. When our sister went to get her car from the designated place (his lawyer's office) she found it scratched, bumper hanging, something disgusting and foul poured in trunk and backseat, along with other damage.  This person even had the treachery to put some kind of fluid in a small jar and matches in the glove compartment, I hope the induction of fear and nothing else was his motive.

  My brother is also a writer. Though he believes he is a good story teller, he makes me ashamed at how he just takes a real event and turns it around. Not something we don't all do, but when you know it is 'real' and where it comes from and how he tries to push it off as his imagination just bugs me. He will swear up and down it was made up.  Ever seen the movie where an artist killed and covered models in cement in order to prove he was a great sculpture? It was probably written about my brother. I am praying for God to hand him buckets of blessings so he can be happy and grow up. Temptation to be more and to have more without working for it seems to be the enormous goal in his life. What a waste. Out of the seven children my mom has, this one has by passed the black sheep.


The Marshmellow Test

When is Maturity a 'Good' Thing?

Okay, I am so over "My Precious" not working. Oh, hell I'm lying. I want it back like it was. Playlists in tack and everything. I want the warm fuzzy feeling I used to get when I looked at it. I have tried my best to duplicate as much as possible what contents were on the Ipod, but it just isn't the same. When I go to watch a certain movie I have to remember it is not there. The same with the songs and videos. If I were a baby I would throw the thing against the wall or trade it for a laptop. I have to remember things change, I can endure and life goes on. Most of the time change is not what we want, but it mostly is always for the best.

Which makes me think of some of the entertainers who have changed their lives and are basically begging the world to give them another chance.  After reading this article "When Singers Can't Sing Their Songs"and the following comments this morning I was particularly upset about the callous way a persons feelings are dismissed. The most dangerous weapon in the world is the word. A person can die by the knife or gun or whatever way another wants to hurt a person, but a word will live in a persons soul and spirit for eternity. Especially if another heard or read it and repeats it. The word travels on and on.

I am all for the second chance and I especially am very happy for Whitney Houston. I have always loved her singing and care nothing about her so say not singing the way she 'used' to sing. Time and life changes. I should hope she would sing in her more mature attitude and change of life than as the young naive being she used to be. My daughters and I have discussed the singing of Mary J. Blige and though I like her voice and was (in my youth) enamored with the way she would sing I can no longer relate to her. In my opinion a person of her age needs to stop singing about the chasing of men and the tug-of-war between her man and his other women. Grow up for goodness sakes and sing about mature adult relationships.

The same attitude for non-tolerance for change seen in the public eyes goes all the way to the public temper tantrums those in the media's eyes are showing. I am a little stunned, but people do get angry. The thing that is being forgotten is that such outbursts have their own arena, it is in your own home. I feel as embarrassed for them as I do for the mother standing over a screaming, foaming mouth kid in the stores. What can you do? When you are say in Congress, the White House, on television shut it up and turn off your mic, don't steal another person's  mic, hold on to your golf club and hold in the profanity and mom, either pick up the kid and walk out nonchalantly or handle your business.  Geeze, can we all just grow up?

Do You Pay God For Creature Comfort?

Oh, my God! I am so miserable. Mind you not as miserable as I was last night, but still devastated.

My Ipod, aptly named "My Precious" has been wiped clean. I don't know if you can imagine this, but all of the over 2000 songs, the 400 movies, television shows, the many music videos, and 243 podcasts are all gone. My heart is broken. My Ipod was 134gb of 160b g full. Everything was erased in a flash. I don't understand it. I had nothing saved in Itunes because this crappy computer didn't have enough space. I don't even want the thing any more because every time I look at it I think of all of my things gone.

It took a couple of years to gather everything and now they are gone. Some of the movies were home made and some, the majority I lucked upon. I feel like someone has died.

I don't know when something truly good is going to happen in life, but I am getting really tired of being beat up. Sometimes I go to look for something and remember it was left in Beaumont or destroyed in Ike. Either way....gone. I try my best not to keep looking back and crying about all that was lost and then something as meaningless like this happens.

I know it is just music and such, but life really sucks when you can't have any earthly comfort or something to help keep your mind off of reality. My cell phone (the Blackberry paperweight) is not on because of finances, my PSP joy stick has broken so I can't play any games. I don't have my laptop, oh and then I was told yesterday it will cost between 2 & $5000 to fix my Yota. Why would I pay that much for a 1991 Toyota? It didn't even qualify to be a clunker. What the Hell.

Someone told me the other day that I should remember to pay my tithes so God would bless me. Seems kind of odd to have to pay the giver of life to give me a decent life. Is that really how it works? Because if it is....I wish God would give me some money so I can pay him. I would gladly pay Him if that is all it took.

Education

Okay, my babe has moved to Beaumont. It is only an approximate six month thing right now, but she has gone to finish school. Yeah! How miserable she would be in life if she had not finished the last two semesters of college. What an accomplishment. Me, I hate school.

What a funny thing to say, uh. I don't hate education I just hate the brick and mortar. If I could I would take some classes from home, but I don't want to do this for ten, eighteen, twenty-four months. Why can't I get a degree in something within two to six months? A few weeks would be even greater.

Does the length you go to school make you smarter? I suppose that depends on the field you are studying.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take a complete self pace form of study. I bet I would have a degree within a month. I would just fly on through them. suck up the knowledge like a sponge and flow on to the next field.

Whine and Cry. Somebody Turn on the Lights

Thank God for a place to be a crybaby. I am so damned irritated at the way things are going on in life. None of the choices I have made to better things are working out. Within the past two weeks I quite the job from hell, have gone on two interviews, did a 'try out' day and nothing has happened. I am now down to keeping a single child in my home and basically making $150 a week. Even though that is a far cry from nothing I still want to say...What the hell!

I thought moving to Houston would be a step up from living in Beaumont, but this is the same as when I moved to Baytown. Not a damned thing is working. To make things sooooo much worse the lights keep going off. For hours on end we sit with no electricity. The most frustrating thing about this is that there is nothing visible that can be causing this problem and the neighbors across the street and behind us have their lights while we remain in the dark. So that just goes to show even the choice of this town home was a terrible one to make. What do I do now? My thought is to pack everything in a big truck and move back to Beaumont. The other thought is, where? I think what I am going to do is get my car fixed, go and stay with my mom for a while and search for a job out there. While there secure me somewhere to live and then pack my stuff and move on back. Then I just wonder if I am a big crybaby and one that runs whenever trouble hits. What the hell?

I kind of like it out here in Houston...way in the under developed part of Harris county. Every time I get in the car to go somewhere its like a trip. The basic stores are so close and everything else is about twenty to an hour away. What a trip. And then the fact Gillean lives out here is a big draw. I just don't know what to do. I keep seeing good things happening on the horizon and as I get closer the horizon scoots back a few miles. What the hell?

Karra will be leaving on tomorrow to go and live with my mom so she can finish her last two semesters at Lamar and I still haven't gotten my car fixed. This will be a challenge for me. I'm really not in the mood for a challenge.

I wish someone could handle my life for a little while and fix it. I wish someone could make it better or give a hand, even if it is just an encouraging hand and not one that keeps saying, 'well others have it worse'. I'm sure they do and if I could fix theirs I would. I wish someone would just turn on the damned lights.

Pushing Myself

I can't even tell you how long it took me to get this movie together. For one thing I could only work when it was 'my time' to be on the desktop. I no longer have my own laptop so I am at the mercy of getting up before the sun or trying to type in my sleep. I went to istock.com a few months ago (before the great lap top loss) and chose and bought the people I thought were perfect for the book. Unfortunately I couldn't just pick anyone for the villain, it didn't seem right. Just this morning I found a song (for free) and when I dropped it in Movie Maker it fit perfectly.

I love the book The Perfect Solution because it is about something I truly know. I have seen so many stupid and careless things while working in the childcare profession that sometimes I just want to run with my hands in the air and scream. Tomorrow I work from 11:30-6 in a new center. All I can say is...God help me to be able to make writing a full time profession.

What's in a Job?

I have finally quite the job from hell. Dabola, whom I secretly called diablo lost her mind on Friday. She honestly thought she would keep qualified staff for the mere payment of $7.00 an hour. The woman didn't even have the common sense to raise the wage to minimum. What really got me was how she knew she needed workers, but only wanted to get applications from Mexicans. None ever came to her place. Even when I told her some really good people had applied she said yeah, but they were only Black and White. Idiot.

This woman hates the United States so much that she even refuses to put her business into the banking system because she thinks it is wrong to have to pay taxes when she doesn't have a filled center. I truly think it is unfair to be able to come into our country as an immigrant, reap the benefits and then not follow the rules. The hardest thing to put up with is the knowledge these people all know the system and how to bypass the red tape.

Diablo was written up big time when Child Care Licensing came to inspect the building and she was livid. Not because the things were ligit, but because she felt the licensing rep was an idiot and needed mental help. Her words. She also believes she knows the rules better than anyone and she would have pulled out the book and made the rep change her findings. If baby beds are touching it is against the rules plan and simple. Dabola wanted the infant cribs together and I could tell her no different....I can't tell you how glad I am this job is over.

My Rant on Working

Okay, I thank God daily that I do have a job because so many are without, but in the same breath I also question the new face of employers. It is a no wonder to the great stamina of man to continue working in this day and age. I have noticed the owners of businesses no longer value their employees. You can not count on your job to be there tomorrow because there is no loyalty. There is always someone new and i guess pliable because I am too old for this. It seems the worker is no more important than the multitude of cows in the field. You have a purpose, to be used, and that is it. I was watching an episode of King of the Hill where Hank was being showed the cows in a field by a naturalist. The guy was talking about how beautiful the cows were and basically praising them as we would our pets and in the next breath stated how good they were going to look being led to slaughter. They were just a commodity. It made me think of my job.
I work with children. The employer, An African, and I make this distinction because she has a habit of separating herself from my 'American' Africanism by saying 'your people' when talking about Black people (prejudice really has no color)in general. Kind of irritates me because she seems to see me as 'lower'.

Anyway the employer tends to work by the number of children in the center. She doesn't care about the quality of care given to the children just the numbers. This means children are switched from room to room to keep ratio low so she can send the employees home. The woman is cheap and conniving. In any given day you can work from 1-6 hrs. Not a good thing if you are trying to LIVE! The other day I clocked out a little late because I was cleaning (no janitorial service) and had to give a couple of tours and the next morning the woman complained. I was like 'what the hell'. It's not that I was over the time the center closed, but because I had one infant left in my room and should have handed her off and left. It was 4:30.

This particular center I am working in is basically new, it has 10 children. I have been there 3 wks. I work alone from 8-12, sometimes at 10 she calls someone in. It depends on the number of children. When I say alone I mean alone. No one else in the building. I have worked alone before (in my home) but not with 5 babies and six walkers ages 2-5. This means if potential customers come in I have to leave the children, give out information and try to give a tour and be positive about the matter while there is a little demon seed enrolled in the center who does everything imaginable to get attention. Think of having a two year old that must have sugar for his blood. Things are so bad with him, two parents of infants threatened to disenroll their infants during their first week. Last week the employer let the only other worker go without notice because of the complaint as if it were the worker's fault she worked the evenings alone and the little seed is there until 6:30 p.m. I now have a two hour lunch break so I can basically fool the parents by being there in the mornings and evenings. The lies this woman tells. She hired another person and told the parents she has worked with the girl before. Yeah, three days. Yesterday, this young lady said she is ready to quite. Yesterday my 2 hr. lunch break was spent working (I called myself saving gas by staying in the building)because the child would let anyone in the center sleep. Babies were crying, walkers were running and people were coming for tours. I really wanted to sit back and do nothing, but there was only one other person in the building.

The owner charges $100 for curriculum fee and in reality we don't even have a workbook to make copies from. The center looks beautiful because everything is bought for show, but in essence there is nothing for the children to do. She says she feeds breakfast, but if the child is brought in a minute after 8 she says not to feed them because breakfast is over at 8. Everything is a flipping sham.

This morning I think I will tell her this is my last week.

Where Am I in the Page

So, today I'm going to this agency to seek help for utility payments. In the past I have never had any luck with this sort of thing.

In Beaumont I have gone to Some Other Place many times and was turned down. I have even visited there with a friend (she was giving me a ride) , she had her own money in her pocket for her bills, a husband at home and a rent house on the side while she received Housing assistance and she just decided to ask for their help. She received the help and I did not and then she had the audacity to go to the mall and waste her money. It made me wonder what I had did or said wrong.

This move, which I am continuing to believe is a 'good' thing, has become challenging. All for of income has for some reason stopped. I am not understanding. Every back-up nanny care I am to do seems to get canceled before I get there or while in route. Every daycare interview has proved fruitless and I have begun to wonder where I am in the pages.

So, I question God. We had this conversation Thursday night and it sustained me until this morning. It went like this, and forgive me if you think I am crass, but it is how He and I converse.
I started with..

"Okay God, what's the deal? I follow all the rules in your book as best as I can so why have you forgotten me?"

No answer from Him.

"Okay, so maybe I think I deserve more and am trying too much on my own, but how are we going to eat or even survive?"

His answer was to bring to memory (God tends to answer through flashbacks) all I have been through and how we have been in this same exact spot while in Baytown and survived through.

"Yeah," I answered. "I remember those days. Totally horrible, but I don't wanna move again. I felt a failure and I feel like I'm returning to murky waters."
(Flash back to nice time in house and center. )

"Yeah, but it seems as if you have forgotten about the present. It's like you don't remember I am here. Where am I in the pages of your book of life? Turn it over, shake it out and see if my name has been torn and stuck some where."

Flash back to safe move to Houston, warm dry house and peaceful sleep and I go to sleep.

The next morning I call TWC to see why Disaster Unemployment had run out and the lady told me I really wasn't supposed to have ever gotten any because I hadn't qualified and they had just given because of the storm.

Flash back to when I first received payments and now I see where I am in the pages. God takes care of me when man really thinks he has done me a favor. I am not forgotten.

And the Rain Falls

The other day it rained so hard it made me glad we are now in the town home. I was still looking up constantly though with the paranoid attitude and fear of waiting for the rain to come through the ceiling.

The fear of the ceiling caving in and my life falling apart are one in the same. At the moment nothing I am doing in life is working. My writing is not being fruitful and all endeavors I have made to gain employment is useless. By evening all I can do is wonder how we are going to survive into the next month. I have had no income since the end of last month. No bills have been paid accept for rent and tomorrow it comes due again. What can I do?

This reminds me painfully of when I moved to Baytown. Big time dejavu. We were full of hope then too. New apartment, job set before moving and the sun was shining. Within a few short weeks, dark clouds rolled in and the rain began to fall.
'm either crying or it is relentlessly raining again.

SOMETIMES I WHINE

Something From my email to my TEXAS friends

Friends v TEXAS Friends

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, playing dominoes or cards and just being together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you..

TEXAS FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing..

TEXAS FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'.


FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick

TEXAS FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your

house then come spend the night with you in the hospital, and cook for you when you come home.
.
FRIENDS: have you on speed dial

TEXAS FRIENDS: have your number memorized.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.

TEXAS FRIENDS: Will share this with all their Texas Friends and those who once lived in Texas

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

IRRITATION

I'm so irritated with life at the moment I can't even think. Within this week alone I have asked myself at least a dozen times..."when will life get better?"

The repetition of hole after hole is getting boring. Nothing I do for myself seems to be working. The move to Houston, thought sometimes I am happy here, seems no different than living in Beaumont. There is still no steady income which causes me to worry about food and utilities. The house here is nicer but exists because of FEMA. At least it doesn't rain in here and it is neither hot nor cold.

I won't lie to myself and say all the trite things I have heard others say, things like at least you're not homeless, or dead, or without a limb, without utilities, without....

I'm just irritated, so I lie to myself with the words--it can only get better.