The Sun Will Rise, Soon.

So, I lay here at five in the morning and think of Angela and I'm not even gonna cry.
All of my life I was the early riser and in recent years, she had also become a sun chasers. Calling in the wee hours and starting the conversation with' I know I'm not waking you' or 'I should've called you an hour ago'. We never talked about anything specific...our grandsons, the kids, siblings, Mom. But you know when people have a little anxiety. It's so much easier to talk about other things.
I'm not even gonna cry. 

God and I Will Box for Sure

I rarely come here to write. This is a page for those times nothing in life works and I have to rant and whine. This is one of those times. I have a bit of anger going on that I need to work through.

 I will forever think of January as the darkest month.
 For twenty years whenever the first day of the New Year rolled in I would remember my dad had died New Year's Eve of 1992, he didn't get to see the first day of '93.
This January of 2013 rolled in with extreme excitement . The past year had been awesome. The first year in years of waiting for dreaded phone calls, that none came. Many happy days of waking and not having any bad news concerning my sister's health. Great parties and celebrations. The happy news my children's books would finally 'be' in print . I texted my sister (the eldest one) immediately after midnight to wish her a happy new year, joyously proclaiming how I was seeing great things happening in 2013. She responded, in all caps- FOR ALL OF US....not even two weeks later, the phone call came.

As my sister (the youngest) and I rushed through the doors of the hospital towards the elevators for ICU I had my head down responding to well wishes from Facebook friends on my cell. Suddenly I could see my dad walk past and I quickly turned around to see if maybe I had walked too close to someone who resembled him and I would apologize. No one was there. This was one of those, 'oh, Damn moments' you never want to face. My unexpected movements caused my sister to stop,too. I explained what I thought I saw and we brushed it off and continued on our way. I kept that vision to myself, but I knew in that moment our life was going to change. Why else would he be there except to see his favorite daughter. Who else would God send, but the man who angered her the most. It gave me comfort to believe they had finally made up and Angela's soul would 'be' at rest. Needless to say, I really wanted to believe 'he' was there to comfort her and send her back to us. All the time I prayed for a miracle and wanted every twitch to 'be' a good sign, I knew better. I can't even explain the feelings of the days to come. Its as if life exploded into a million fragments in a wind tunnel made from a black plastic bag. You punch and fight to get out while trying to put your life back together. Trying to hurry and put the pieces back together and then get out of the bag before you smother in your sorrow. The only thing that will save you is acceptance . Once you go through that door, all else is easier. It doesn't get better, nothing really changes but it seems easier, the weight of grief is gone, the days feel brighter and the new normal seems promising. I still see great things happening this 2013 I just see them from a different angle.

I have to say, when my time comes and if God sends the one person who irritated me so much in life that every time I saw or thought of him I wanted to spit, God and I will box for sure.

And, yet I Write

Nothing in life has changed, and yet I continue to write. Thoughts flow through my head like the waterfall over the Niagara and I must pen it.
YES, I said, pen. It is my mode of securing my thoughts. I wake at 2-3a in the morn fighting off sleep and the voices clambering to be heard. After all, I am a writer. In word and deed if not in finances.
So, I must go now and do some marketing. It is Manic Monday Marketing day.

Pounding Pavement

Okay, so school is out for summer. That means no more in home care giving I must find an outside job. I hate job searching.

living without power-day 10

So, today a little power returned. I breath cool refreshness. I am happy and yet sad. Another piece of me...my life had to be sacrificed. True it was only a thing, but everything is a piece of you. A tiny substance that holds you together. Today some power returned.

living without power-days 4-7

Learned a bowl of water resting on the removable grill burner of the stove above four candles can heat and cook. Amazing. Being without power is can be more than a pyhsical thing. It manifest into mental where in which you can lose yourself. If one is not careful the reign ofpower can easily be placed in the hands of another. Even without poweryou must control your own destiny. Don't sell yourself or your items short just so the light will shine for you again. Bad doesn't last forever. At least that's what they say.

living without power-day3

The power eludes me. I have none and am not the controller of anthing beyond my attitude. I will not be broken. Eventually God will remember us and come to our rescue. It is all resting in His hands. I just wish He would stop playing hand games so I can get back to the act of living in the real world.