Okay, I thank God daily that I do have a job because so many are without, but in the same breath I also question the new face of employers. It is a no wonder to the great stamina of man to continue working in this day and age. I have noticed the owners of businesses no longer value their employees. You can not count on your job to be there tomorrow because there is no loyalty. There is always someone new and i guess pliable because I am too old for this. It seems the worker is no more important than the multitude of cows in the field. You have a purpose, to be used, and that is it. I was watching an episode of King of the Hill where Hank was being showed the cows in a field by a naturalist. The guy was talking about how beautiful the cows were and basically praising them as we would our pets and in the next breath stated how good they were going to look being led to slaughter. They were just a commodity. It made me think of my job.
I work with children. The employer, An African, and I make this distinction because she has a habit of separating herself from my 'American' Africanism by saying 'your people' when talking about Black people (prejudice really has no color)in general. Kind of irritates me because she seems to see me as 'lower'.
Anyway the employer tends to work by the number of children in the center. She doesn't care about the quality of care given to the children just the numbers. This means children are switched from room to room to keep ratio low so she can send the employees home. The woman is cheap and conniving. In any given day you can work from 1-6 hrs. Not a good thing if you are trying to LIVE! The other day I clocked out a little late because I was cleaning (no janitorial service) and had to give a couple of tours and the next morning the woman complained. I was like 'what the hell'. It's not that I was over the time the center closed, but because I had one infant left in my room and should have handed her off and left. It was 4:30.
This particular center I am working in is basically new, it has 10 children. I have been there 3 wks. I work alone from 8-12, sometimes at 10 she calls someone in. It depends on the number of children. When I say alone I mean alone. No one else in the building. I have worked alone before (in my home) but not with 5 babies and six walkers ages 2-5. This means if potential customers come in I have to leave the children, give out information and try to give a tour and be positive about the matter while there is a little demon seed enrolled in the center who does everything imaginable to get attention. Think of having a two year old that must have sugar for his blood. Things are so bad with him, two parents of infants threatened to disenroll their infants during their first week. Last week the employer let the only other worker go without notice because of the complaint as if it were the worker's fault she worked the evenings alone and the little seed is there until 6:30 p.m. I now have a two hour lunch break so I can basically fool the parents by being there in the mornings and evenings. The lies this woman tells. She hired another person and told the parents she has worked with the girl before. Yeah, three days. Yesterday, this young lady said she is ready to quite. Yesterday my 2 hr. lunch break was spent working (I called myself saving gas by staying in the building)because the child would let anyone in the center sleep. Babies were crying, walkers were running and people were coming for tours. I really wanted to sit back and do nothing, but there was only one other person in the building.
The owner charges $100 for curriculum fee and in reality we don't even have a workbook to make copies from. The center looks beautiful because everything is bought for show, but in essence there is nothing for the children to do. She says she feeds breakfast, but if the child is brought in a minute after 8 she says not to feed them because breakfast is over at 8. Everything is a flipping sham.
This morning I think I will tell her this is my last week.
Where Am I in the Page
So, today I'm going to this agency to seek help for utility payments. In the past I have never had any luck with this sort of thing.
In Beaumont I have gone to Some Other Place many times and was turned down. I have even visited there with a friend (she was giving me a ride) , she had her own money in her pocket for her bills, a husband at home and a rent house on the side while she received Housing assistance and she just decided to ask for their help. She received the help and I did not and then she had the audacity to go to the mall and waste her money. It made me wonder what I had did or said wrong.
This move, which I am continuing to believe is a 'good' thing, has become challenging. All for of income has for some reason stopped. I am not understanding. Every back-up nanny care I am to do seems to get canceled before I get there or while in route. Every daycare interview has proved fruitless and I have begun to wonder where I am in the pages.
So, I question God. We had this conversation Thursday night and it sustained me until this morning. It went like this, and forgive me if you think I am crass, but it is how He and I converse.
I started with..
"Okay God, what's the deal? I follow all the rules in your book as best as I can so why have you forgotten me?"
No answer from Him.
"Okay, so maybe I think I deserve more and am trying too much on my own, but how are we going to eat or even survive?"
His answer was to bring to memory (God tends to answer through flashbacks) all I have been through and how we have been in this same exact spot while in Baytown and survived through.
"Yeah," I answered. "I remember those days. Totally horrible, but I don't wanna move again. I felt a failure and I feel like I'm returning to murky waters."
(Flash back to nice time in house and center. )
"Yeah, but it seems as if you have forgotten about the present. It's like you don't remember I am here. Where am I in the pages of your book of life? Turn it over, shake it out and see if my name has been torn and stuck some where."
Flash back to safe move to Houston, warm dry house and peaceful sleep and I go to sleep.
The next morning I call TWC to see why Disaster Unemployment had run out and the lady told me I really wasn't supposed to have ever gotten any because I hadn't qualified and they had just given because of the storm.
Flash back to when I first received payments and now I see where I am in the pages. God takes care of me when man really thinks he has done me a favor. I am not forgotten.
In Beaumont I have gone to Some Other Place many times and was turned down. I have even visited there with a friend (she was giving me a ride) , she had her own money in her pocket for her bills, a husband at home and a rent house on the side while she received Housing assistance and she just decided to ask for their help. She received the help and I did not and then she had the audacity to go to the mall and waste her money. It made me wonder what I had did or said wrong.
This move, which I am continuing to believe is a 'good' thing, has become challenging. All for of income has for some reason stopped. I am not understanding. Every back-up nanny care I am to do seems to get canceled before I get there or while in route. Every daycare interview has proved fruitless and I have begun to wonder where I am in the pages.
So, I question God. We had this conversation Thursday night and it sustained me until this morning. It went like this, and forgive me if you think I am crass, but it is how He and I converse.
I started with..
"Okay God, what's the deal? I follow all the rules in your book as best as I can so why have you forgotten me?"
No answer from Him.
"Okay, so maybe I think I deserve more and am trying too much on my own, but how are we going to eat or even survive?"
His answer was to bring to memory (God tends to answer through flashbacks) all I have been through and how we have been in this same exact spot while in Baytown and survived through.
"Yeah," I answered. "I remember those days. Totally horrible, but I don't wanna move again. I felt a failure and I feel like I'm returning to murky waters."
(Flash back to nice time in house and center. )
"Yeah, but it seems as if you have forgotten about the present. It's like you don't remember I am here. Where am I in the pages of your book of life? Turn it over, shake it out and see if my name has been torn and stuck some where."
Flash back to safe move to Houston, warm dry house and peaceful sleep and I go to sleep.
The next morning I call TWC to see why Disaster Unemployment had run out and the lady told me I really wasn't supposed to have ever gotten any because I hadn't qualified and they had just given because of the storm.
Flash back to when I first received payments and now I see where I am in the pages. God takes care of me when man really thinks he has done me a favor. I am not forgotten.
And the Rain Falls
The other day it rained so hard it made me glad we are now in the town home. I was still looking up constantly though with the paranoid attitude and fear of waiting for the rain to come through the ceiling.
The fear of the ceiling caving in and my life falling apart are one in the same. At the moment nothing I am doing in life is working. My writing is not being fruitful and all endeavors I have made to gain employment is useless. By evening all I can do is wonder how we are going to survive into the next month. I have had no income since the end of last month. No bills have been paid accept for rent and tomorrow it comes due again. What can I do?
This reminds me painfully of when I moved to Baytown. Big time dejavu. We were full of hope then too. New apartment, job set before moving and the sun was shining. Within a few short weeks, dark clouds rolled in and the rain began to fall.
'm either crying or it is relentlessly raining again.
The fear of the ceiling caving in and my life falling apart are one in the same. At the moment nothing I am doing in life is working. My writing is not being fruitful and all endeavors I have made to gain employment is useless. By evening all I can do is wonder how we are going to survive into the next month. I have had no income since the end of last month. No bills have been paid accept for rent and tomorrow it comes due again. What can I do?
This reminds me painfully of when I moved to Baytown. Big time dejavu. We were full of hope then too. New apartment, job set before moving and the sun was shining. Within a few short weeks, dark clouds rolled in and the rain began to fall.
'm either crying or it is relentlessly raining again.
SOMETIMES I WHINE
Something From my email to my TEXAS friends
Friends v TEXAS Friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, playing dominoes or cards and just being together.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you..
TEXAS FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing..
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'.
FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
TEXAS FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your
house then come spend the night with you in the hospital, and cook for you when you come home.
.
FRIENDS: have you on speed dial
TEXAS FRIENDS: have your number memorized.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will share this with all their Texas Friends and those who once lived in Texas
.
FRIENDS: have you on speed dial
TEXAS FRIENDS: have your number memorized.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will share this with all their Texas Friends and those who once lived in Texas
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."
IRRITATION
I'm so irritated with life at the moment I can't even think. Within this week alone I have asked myself at least a dozen times..."when will life get better?"
The repetition of hole after hole is getting boring. Nothing I do for myself seems to be working. The move to Houston, thought sometimes I am happy here, seems no different than living in Beaumont. There is still no steady income which causes me to worry about food and utilities. The house here is nicer but exists because of FEMA. At least it doesn't rain in here and it is neither hot nor cold.
I won't lie to myself and say all the trite things I have heard others say, things like at least you're not homeless, or dead, or without a limb, without utilities, without....
I'm just irritated, so I lie to myself with the words--it can only get better.
The repetition of hole after hole is getting boring. Nothing I do for myself seems to be working. The move to Houston, thought sometimes I am happy here, seems no different than living in Beaumont. There is still no steady income which causes me to worry about food and utilities. The house here is nicer but exists because of FEMA. At least it doesn't rain in here and it is neither hot nor cold.
I won't lie to myself and say all the trite things I have heard others say, things like at least you're not homeless, or dead, or without a limb, without utilities, without....
I'm just irritated, so I lie to myself with the words--it can only get better.
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