The Gap is Small

Nothing that improves finances has changed. So many new ideas explored and implemented and yet things remain the same. And a little worse. I would cry, but then I would be really sad.

Blind Change

I don't know when it happened. Hadn't been aware of it happening and nearly missed it. Gradually and inexplicably my blinding belief has begun disappearing. I guess it started at the loss of the home I loved so much and not being able to afford another of my own. Hurricanes can be such a damper on one's lifestyle. Maybe it began when I stopped listening to my favorite christian bands on my Ipod. I blame the trauma of the big delete.

I only know that where I used to run to God's Words as comfort, I now feel doubt and I guess a bit of anger. Now when I read words of praise, or hear songs doing the same I change songs, close blogs....move on. Its like an unconscious knee jerk reaction. I don't even think about it. Sometimes I'm able to catch myself and I stand still.My faith is still there. I know deep in my heart God could change things in a minute. I know this because everything I had home, business, income is now gone. I wish something good would happen soon.

Lamenting

Lord, can I please have a break. Don't just shine your blessings of a sunny day just on the land of the Earth. Would you please, please give me a break and show me some favor. What good is life when nothing good happens in life? What good is life when all around me are falling ill and funds have been depleted and You are not helping to pull me out of the hole. You, better than I know I can't help myself. I feel as if I have stepped out of the boat in to neck high waters and You have forgotten my name. I am tired, Lord.

Will You please look my way and remember me because I am trying hard to hold on to Your hand and remember You are there. I need a break.

Ugh

I am so frustrated I just can't think. There are so many opportunities out there. I have a great idea to start an online business, but I don't have a dollar to get started.

I have a chance to print and sell a few history books at a meeting, but don't have the money for ink or paper. The same for an outdoor market in June.

I can't figure out what the....what God wants. I wish He wouldn't give me ideas without the ability to fulfill them. Its frustrating. Let alone depressing.

Sometimes a Word....

I have really been avoiding posting on this site. Mainly because I have been deluding myself into believing if I post only the positive, things will improve greatly in life. I've been doing a great job at fooling myself.

Every morning the day arrives on a fresh page and I get up in glorious anticipation  of something good happening and yet it ends on the same giant note of failure. Nothing good happens.

I haven't been able to figure out how to get over. I'm no longer the ruler of my life. Can't go out to get a different job because the car has died, the house I live in is beautiful and I am grateful to be here, but its not mine. I do miss having my own, but I'm sure God knows what He is doing. I just wish I knew what He wanted me to do.

I just have to remember, there's gold in them hills. Mountains can be chipped away until they're the size of pebbles and can be kicked away. Sometimes a word in a song very encouraging.


Over the years my mountains have been ENORMOUS. Thank God for the chisel.
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IDIOTS WITH CHILDREN

Well, the boys are gone. Their dad came to get them late Sunday night. He had called and said he would come on Sunday and I had them ready all day, just before bedtime he arrived.

The mom, anxious to keep up with a man who wants nothing to do with her had spent the entire Sunday afternoon instant messaging a grammatically murdered rant about the man. For over two months we'd had limited conversation with her and when it looked like the dad would be coming she couldn't stop sending messages. No, she wasn't worried about the children this was just a way to talk about the dad. I was so glad to see him at the door.

Yesterday, the dad called me four times within two hours. Another shock, this was as many times as he had called the entire time the children were living here. Apparently, instead of going to Beaumont with the little guys (a two hour trip) he decided to go to Woodville (even further)and the alternator on the car broke. This thirty year old man has a souped-up Impala with a stereo system that takes up the entire trunk space, gorgeous rims (she paid for), video screens throughout, a navigational system and nothing else to his name. No job, no food, no money. He's stuck in a town bumming money from an elderly dad living in a nursing home. Idiot.

I couldn't figure out why he was calling me and then it dawned. Each time he called he asked whether I had heard from the mother. When I did hear from the mom and told her how the children had been stranded with their dad in the cold, she spouted no regret for the children. She just killed the English language with further insults about the man. From what I could gather these idiots are using the children as a tool to fuel an argument. Whoever has them is the 'better' parent. In the end the silly mom boiled it all down to, she cares nothing about the dad and she has been talking to someone else for the past three months. The exact amount of time the boys have been gone . Neither worry about the children. Idiot too.

I asked the dad how the potty training was going and he said he had them in diapers. That idiot had the nerves to say he told the boys to just use it in their diapers. Well, there goes my work and their progress. One night and they are back in diapers.
I feel so sorry for all of those children. I wish they could pack their bags and runaway from home.

And Santa Cried

The boys were supposed to go to their dad for the weekend and then to Arkansas to spend Christmas with their mom, brother and sister. The mother instant messaged to say the grandmother doesn't want them to come because she doesn't want her water bill to go up. Seems the older brother is finally going to have cornea surgery after two years of blindness in his right eye from neglect of pink-eye.

I'm miserable for them. I'm sitting here listening to Third Day's  song Revelation. The course begs for a revelation on what to do in life. It's a good thing the boys are so young and know nothing about Christmas. We hadn't even put up a tree or the decorations. everything sits boxed in the garage and worse I wasn't buying presents because it is just 'tight' this year. I'm really mad at their family.