A Crutch or a Wall?

How can you decide whether or not you are a crutch (someone who is an aid) or a wall (someone who lets a person lean on them as they are being lazy and irresponsible) to a person?

Last night I had decided I was going to call the twins father and tell him he had to come and get his boys. My keeping them has turned into an act of super convenience for him because he is not working or going to school.

This morning I talked to the father and found out he is about to have his lights turned off, phone turned off  and since he has no job he may end up homeless. What does that mean about the boys?

A CRUTCH:  Begins the care of the twins because both of their parents are unemployed, the father was in college and the mother was on medication for depression. The mother (living in another state) also has custody of two other little children. The hope is to give the mom a break and the father a hand.

A WALL: The parents have to be called and reminded to keep in contact with their children. Neither parent supplies needed items for the children and this includes food. Father quits school, still not working and doesn't take back children. The parent intends to sell the food stamps supplied to feed the children.
Am I a crutch or a wall?

I Can't Even Think of a Title

In the last few years December has grown to be my unfavorite time of the year. Four years ago I bought a huge 10 feet artificial Christmas tree to celebrate surviving Hurricane Rita and the possible adoption of a little boy we had reared from infancy well he was taken back and given to someone who gave him to someone else (I learned life goes on) , last year I lost my home and home-based business and moved to a new and bigger city with much promise( I learned I need to learn more)  and in two weeks we have to be out of the place we are in now. Can I just write a book?

I learned my daughters are resilient and intelligent. Gillean has bought a house. At twenty-three she is the proud owner of a three bedroom home with an in ground pool. I am learning a lot from her.

You Can't Just Pack Them Up

So, yesterday we drove down to have dinner with the family at my mom's house. Actually my mom and cousin. The cousin lives a house down so we were like running back and forward. This cousin is also one of the great-aunts to the twins. The other great-aunt, the grandmother and the great-grandmother were stationed in that house. I should have just said all of their father's people were over there.

The two great-aunts kept making comments about each taking custody of the boys and adopting them. What??? I mean, how when you don't have them now? How when you never stepped in during the times they (and mom) lived in my house? How? When you don't say, okay they can stay here the weekend? You don't even know the little guys and you want to claim them like little puppies behind a fence in a pound. What's going to happen when the novelty wears off?  You can't just pack up a child and ship them here and there like they don't matter. At least they wanted to be bothered with them, their own grandmother didn't.

Poor little guys. Way to feel wanted. Their father came and spent three hours (maybe) with them. I had packed their bag because I thought he would at least want them for the rest of the weekend he didn't and it broke my heart how one of them cried when we were leaving. It was this sad pitiful little cry like without a lot of noise and a lot of tears and then he went to sleep. He slept all the way back to Houston and as soon as he woke up he was crying again, which made his brother cry. It took us a while to get them over the little funk.

I still say people shouldn't have children if they don't want them. Once we were home and I really thought about it, this guy is not working and at the dinner he let it slip he is not going to college anymore. Why didn't he keep the boys? He has nothing of value to do all day long. He says "I gotta get myself together". I certainly hope he uses this time to find himself a job and is not just hanging around with the new girl who may be pregnant for him. What??? That will make five children and as he says-"I'm not with her (both girls) like that."
This guy is 30 YEARS OLD. Did I light into him? Hell yeah.

I think its pitiful how their mom is always on Facebook complaining about how tired she is or what relaxing thing she is doing when half her family are States away. She spoke to the boys on the phone the other night and they had nightmares all night long. They woke up screaming and one ran to the door pointing back towards the bed. The first couple of nights here they did that. They would grit their teeth in their sleep and cry. It was most disturbing, but they stopped. Until they talked to her. She hadn't spoken to them but twice in six weeks and I kinda believe the nightmares comes when dealing with her. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

If I Could Turn Back Time

As I was writing the post for my business site Cher's song  If I Could Turn Back Time kept going through my head. Though their are a lot of things I wish i could change I wonder if turning back the clock (if I had the ability) wouldn't ruin some one's life. What if in the time I was going through problems someone was getting saved from near death or any other catastrophic catastrophe in life? Oh, my God and to one day have to find out....I don't even want to think about it. I have promised myself I am getting over the past and looking solely to the future. At least for this week.

The boys father called last night. I guess my talk did him some good. He is trying to make amends with everyone in the family. Trying to set up a family reunion for Easter time, promising to take better care of his boys and even called their mom saying he would take all of the children so she can get a job and control of herself. I really think she needs a major break. Four children before twenty-five is nerve wrecking. Especially when you didn't want to be a parent in the first place. Anyway, my time is up I hear the boys upstairs.

Still Ranting

I am tired this morning. I got up very early to work on a novel and had to stop to take care of the boys. I had forgotten I no longer have a day off. Don't get me wrong I don't mind keeping the boys for their benefit, but it irritates me to know how free their parents are. The mom is always updating her site on the peace she is having. Every time I struggle to understand what the boys are trying to tell me I want to beat the life out of their parents.  I'm aggravated as hell when I know how fast they learn and yet the main thing they can say is mama and garbledy goop.
Its beautiful how they are always seeking an empty lap to climb into and heartbreaking the way they will squat and potty on themselves like Mowgli.

Oh, my God give my mind peace in this matter.

How Do You Find Your Plan in Life

Okay, we have had the boys living with us for about a month now. There has been a catch thrown into the plans. Originally I wasn't even supposed to have the boys, but once their dad went to Arkansas and got them he had already enrolled into the local college and he isn't able to pay for child care and so they are here.

Their dad was supposed to come and get them on the weekends,but whined about not having the money for gas and so we agreed to every other weekend. What gets me is how these cute little guys are not even part of the plans of their parents. The dad lives in Beaumont and the mom in Arkansas. They don't even call to check on them and now the father has lost his unemployment and the mother doesn't work. What does that mean?  What am I supposed to do when I bring in such a small amount of money? Am I to stay involved in these children's lives?  How do you know what you are supposed to do?

I AM SO DAMNED FRUSTRATED

If it weren't for the fact I would probably drown, I would cry. Every day I feel the tears behind my eyes. I just can't figure out what to do to make life better. I can't seem to make the choices that will make 'good' things happen. I guess it could be because of the rejection letters from potential agents and the stupid premise they have to not take the rejections as a rejection of yourself???? How can you not?

I am really angry with myself for not having done my studying and knowing who Ballantine books were nine years ago. I'm having a hard time just getting over. All I can thing about it 'what would life be now?' I know I wouldn't be on the verge of wondering where we will be living in the next few months or how will we pay to live wherever we will be living. I would probably have a car and dentures so I would be able to get a lucrative paying job and not sitting at home caring and teaching children whose parents don't care about their mental growth. I'm just tired and a cry baby and need a little cheese with the whine (wine).

Maybe I'll go to bed while the kids are asleep and wake with a better frame of mind. I doubt it.