THE THEME OF MY FANTASY DAYS

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Blind Change

I don't know when it happened. Hadn't been aware of it happening and nearly missed it. Gradually and inexplicably my blinding belief has begun disappearing. I guess it started at the loss of the home I loved so much and not being able to afford another of my own. Hurricanes can be such a damper on one's lifestyle. Maybe it began when I stopped listening to my favorite christian bands on my Ipod. I blame the trauma of the big delete.

I only know that where I used to run to God's Words as comfort, I now feel doubt and I guess a bit of anger. Now when I read words of praise, or hear songs doing the same I change songs, close blogs....move on. Its like an unconscious knee jerk reaction. I don't even think about it. Sometimes I'm able to catch myself and I stand still.My faith is still there. I know deep in my heart God could change things in a minute. I know this because everything I had home, business, income is now gone. I wish something good would happen soon.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Lamenting

Lord, can I please have a break. Don't just shine your blessings of a sunny day just on the land of the Earth. Would you please, please give me a break and show me some favor. What good is life when nothing good happens in life? What good is life when all around me are falling ill and funds have been depleted and You are not helping to pull me out of the hole. You, better than I know I can't help myself. I feel as if I have stepped out of the boat in to neck high waters and You have forgotten my name. I am tired, Lord.

Will You please look my way and remember me because I am trying hard to hold on to Your hand and remember You are there. I need a break.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Ugh

I am so frustrated I just can't think. There are so many opportunities out there. I have a great idea to start an online business, but I don't have a dollar to get started.

I have a chance to print and sell a few history books at a meeting, but don't have the money for ink or paper. The same for an outdoor market in June.

I can't figure out what the....what God wants. I wish He wouldn't give me ideas without the ability to fulfill them. Its frustrating. Let alone depressing.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sometimes a Word....

I have really been avoiding posting on this site. Mainly because I have been deluding myself into believing if I post only the positive, things will improve greatly in life. I've been doing a great job at fooling myself.

Every morning the day arrives on a fresh page and I get up in glorious anticipation  of something good happening and yet it ends on the same giant note of failure. Nothing good happens.

I haven't been able to figure out how to get over. I'm no longer the ruler of my life. Can't go out to get a different job because the car has died, the house I live in is beautiful and I am grateful to be here, but its not mine. I do miss having my own, but I'm sure God knows what He is doing. I just wish I knew what He wanted me to do.

I just have to remember, there's gold in them hills. Mountains can be chipped away until they're the size of pebbles and can be kicked away. Sometimes a word in a song very encouraging.


Over the years my mountains have been ENORMOUS. Thank God for the chisel.
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