Monday, May 4, 2009

Where Am I in the Page

So, today I'm going to this agency to seek help for utility payments. In the past I have never had any luck with this sort of thing.

In Beaumont I have gone to Some Other Place many times and was turned down. I have even visited there with a friend (she was giving me a ride) , she had her own money in her pocket for her bills, a husband at home and a rent house on the side while she received Housing assistance and she just decided to ask for their help. She received the help and I did not and then she had the audacity to go to the mall and waste her money. It made me wonder what I had did or said wrong.

This move, which I am continuing to believe is a 'good' thing, has become challenging. All for of income has for some reason stopped. I am not understanding. Every back-up nanny care I am to do seems to get canceled before I get there or while in route. Every daycare interview has proved fruitless and I have begun to wonder where I am in the pages.

So, I question God. We had this conversation Thursday night and it sustained me until this morning. It went like this, and forgive me if you think I am crass, but it is how He and I converse.
I started with..

"Okay God, what's the deal? I follow all the rules in your book as best as I can so why have you forgotten me?"

No answer from Him.

"Okay, so maybe I think I deserve more and am trying too much on my own, but how are we going to eat or even survive?"

His answer was to bring to memory (God tends to answer through flashbacks) all I have been through and how we have been in this same exact spot while in Baytown and survived through.

"Yeah," I answered. "I remember those days. Totally horrible, but I don't wanna move again. I felt a failure and I feel like I'm returning to murky waters."
(Flash back to nice time in house and center. )

"Yeah, but it seems as if you have forgotten about the present. It's like you don't remember I am here. Where am I in the pages of your book of life? Turn it over, shake it out and see if my name has been torn and stuck some where."

Flash back to safe move to Houston, warm dry house and peaceful sleep and I go to sleep.

The next morning I call TWC to see why Disaster Unemployment had run out and the lady told me I really wasn't supposed to have ever gotten any because I hadn't qualified and they had just given because of the storm.

Flash back to when I first received payments and now I see where I am in the pages. God takes care of me when man really thinks he has done me a favor. I am not forgotten.